What I Really Want

The things I want are not what you think I want. I do not want clothes, or shoes, or material things. What I hope for is a state of mind.

I want to wake up excited for the day, every day. I do not only want to look forward to the special days when something new is planned.

I want to live without stressing about schedules: work schedules, sleep schedules, no schedules. Except for the ones I create. No life except the life I choose.

I want to be adventurous without worrying about the things that I should be doing.

I want to be reckless without worrying about my reputation.

I want to stay up and sleep late without knowing that the next day will be a waste because of it.

I want to have a job that doesn’t exhaust me so much that by the time I get home I have nothing left in me other than the ability to get ready for the next day.

I want to go outside and see the sun without glass in between.

I want to be happy.

I want to care about things that I care about because I care about them, and not because I’m supposed to according to someone else.

I want to look forward to tomorrow because I am excited about each second.

I want to want to live every moment to its fullest, and not see each day as something standing in my way. One more day on the count down to something.

I want more from life than this.

So stop telling me that I want I want I want, because I have studied, and I have worked, and I have tried this current lifestyle to my best ability. Now I think I deserve, but that doesn’t mean that I will stop working. I only want to work for something that I actually want instead of what I’ve been forced into caring about.

©C.O’Connor, 2016

The Notes

The notes were from a good night. An entire pile of memories from an amazing summer. A summer that ended so abruptly. The notes and pieces of flower decorations became the memories of the disaster. They now carried with them thoughts of thrashing, screaming, and glass shattering. They now represent what had been lost. What I once had. They remind me of the betrayal. They remind me of the people who said they would be there forever. But their idea of forever stopped when the first thin went wrong. The notes remind me of friends who weren’t friends and warm summer nights.

I try to focus on the good now.

©C. O’Connor

#4

My name is Darkness

My name is Fear

My name is anything that haunts you dear.

My name is Hate

My name is Cold

My name is all your nightmares hold.

My name is fixed

My name is all

My name is in every lost soul’s call.

I am here

I am there

I am within the darkest stare.

I am the shadows

I am the light

I am the thing haunting your dreams at night.

My name is forgotten

My name is unknown

My name is in the shiver on your neck when you think you are alone.

©C. O’Connor, 2016

People Watching – Airport

I have two hours until my flight is supposed to depart. There’s not much to do in an airport but wait and ignore the people around you. You can read, listen, listen to music, sleep, eat, stare into space, but it’s all done with a few hundred people within throwing range. I’ve always enjoyed people watching at the airport. I give all of the interesting ones nicknames. I have a small obsession with naming things.

There’s Flower Girl across the aisle to the left. Who looks done up as if she is entering a pageant. Except she is also wearing ill fitting jeans and crappy running shoes. I judge people by their shoe choices. She looks bored as she twists some reddish brown hair around one of her stumpy fingers and chews on her gum like a cow chews on grass. She got her name from the huge red flower stuck on the side of her head.

Then there are the three Stoic Starers. Three people sitting in three chairs, creating a small wall of hopelessness and lack of emotion. The two men and one woman all sat in their seats at different times over the last hour, so they aren’t together. But the sheer emptiness of their gazes as their planes become more and more delayed will link them forever.

Next is the TDH: Tall Dark and Handsome. This one was nodding off for a while, so he decided to stand against a wall. Usually I would be impressed with this decision, but now I’m not so sure. It’s a busy day and empty seats are hard to come by. That means that the tall, tan skinned, blue eyed beauty of a man is now stuck with his fate of a numb ass from sitting on the floor, because his seat was quickly taken over by a large woman in a moo-moo covered with daisies. It doesn’t look like she is leaving any time soon.

Oh god, I just made eye contact with one of the stoic starers. I think she saw into my soul.

©C. O’Connor, 2016

 

Would you?

If I told you to do it

would it be okay?

Would you?

If I said okay

If I gave you permission

would you?

Can you?

Do you even know?

Could you know?

Unless the situation was posted

right in front of you.

If I told you to do it

would it be okay?

Would you?

©C. O’Connor, 2016