Fairytales

I lived my life with half broken stories and I have told half hearted lies.

I’ve limped along on battered limbs too afraid to fall behind.

And my mind has kept itself lodged away held behind the bars rotted and decayed.

My heart is a prisoner in a mirrored room.

Its locked behind the glass in it’s beautiful tomb.

But maybe you my starry knight riding to me bathed in moonlight,

You whispered through the keyhole to unlock the doors and thaw my soul.

But then you stopped… right there in the entryway.

You’ve gone no further but havent turned away.

You battle dragons and demons to hold your space, but you’ll go no further inside this place.

The confidence you started with has turned to uncertainty.

My knight that rides in moonlight isnt sure if he still wants to save me.

Here.

There’s a story here, somewhere buried deep,

of a girl afraid of what she’s seen.

She didnt know how to live.

She didnt know how to think.

She didnt know how to be,

so please be kind when dealing with me.

Thoughts are second,

and words come first.

Emotions are hidden,

and shes been lost

too many times and too many ways.

She will always come back at her own pace,

and she does it a lot more often these days.

So she’ll be back.

She’ll be here.

And she will be there for you always dear.

The Space Between

You were always the ocean. Strong and sure. Consistent as the tides. And in the dark depths of you there were wonders to be discovered, but there were horrors as well.  There were vast empty spaces of nothing. No light, no life, just space. Over the years others had ruined some of you. They left their garbage to kill off your dreams and your hopes. But still even then you were magnificent.

Then there is me. I’m the forest where the birds sing in the trees. I’m filled with life and constantly moving,  growing, and changing. I give to the world over and over again. Walk my paths and feel the ancient peace within me. See my mountains, my history, and my scars. See the places people have taken from me. Places never allowed to regrow.

And where we met was the thing of magic. The sand of my shores cooled to your touch, and there we were a thing of fairy tales. In the space between us, where we were one, was romanticized perfection. We were immaculate as the sun shone bright above and the moon played its glorious show over your waters.

Eventually though I realized you were taking from me. Little by little and wave by wave you would take a piece of me and bring it out into the depths of you. Little by little you eroded me away. You stole my being, my life, and my time.

So slowly was the realization that we were never an us. There was always you and then there was me, and even the beautiful memories we shared on the beaches between us could never mask that you wanted me to fill your empty spaces. You wanted me to make you whole. You wanted me, my beauty, my wisdom, and my strength to soothe your fears. Until you didn’t want me anymore, and you never really did. The excitement wore off. The joy of finding a being as immaculate as yourself, as powerful as yourself, and as wise wasn’t enough anymore.

Your waves receded. My trees grew tall. And the space between grows wider.

From the Inside

For days each morning starts 

with wiping away the salty river bed

across my face

Dried tears I’d never allow to escape

during the day

make their break during the night

I don’t remember them leaving

I don’t remember letting them go

But their path is there each day

Telling me more than any conversation

ever can. 

 

 

Ignorance

You’re a ghost of something I wanted but never had
reached for but could not hold
searched for but you were never there
not when you said you would be

You’re an addiction of a drug I hit one time
A need so deep it was a part of me
You weren’t mine
not to have or to hold
No part of you belonged to any part of me
but I guess thats the thing with a need
not a want

Alcohol doesn’t mix well with us
it was our courage our escape
it allowed you to walk across the room to me
it glamoured the things we should have seen
and I craved you always

Until I didn’t.

Dark to Light

I’m good at writing about the sad things

the bad things

It’s easy to find the words to describe the dark and lonely times and parts of my mind

But why can’t I find words for the light?

Why can’t I find words to describe how much

I long for your touch,

or the feeling when your arms tighten around me while you sleep?

How do I even begin to start

writing the peace I feel listening to your heart?

Or how it feels when you look at me, touch me, or say my name?

How do I describe how grateful I feel

knowing that you, the one I dreamed for, are real?

No matter how many times I begin

the words are never right in the end.

No words can convey how happy I am.

I’ve had a life of writing the dark things, and I never learned the words for the good.

My only option is to continue to try and find

a collection of words worthy of this man of mine.

©C O’Connor, 2018

Damaged

Oh no, oh no you can’t save me now. 
I’ve gone too far. My soul is drowned. 
Oh no, oh no just walk away. 
Leave me here to my doomed fate.
Oh no, oh no please let me go. 
My being is stripped down more than you know. 
Damaged you said, damaged I am. 
I denied it that day, but I was lying again
Broken I know, broken you see. 
There is no putting together these pieces of me.
Oh no, oh no I can’t see where I was. 
Where did I start to get this lost?
Oh no, oh no don’t look into my eyes. 
There is nothing left there, I rid myself of all life. 
Oh no, oh no there is no turning back. 
You need to accept that this is my new path.
Damaged you said, damaged I am. 
I denied it that day, but I was lying again
Broken I know, broken you see. 
There is no putting together these pieces of me. 
Oh no, oh no save yourself now. 
Get away from me before I drag you down. 
Oh no, oh no isn’t it plain to see, 
all I’ve done here is make you hate me?
Oh no, oh no it’s all I can do. 
I’m stepping away to try to save you.
Maybe I’ll see you again someday, 
this broken mind’s reeling to find a way. 
And maybe I won’t, then this is goodbye. 
I’m sorry I hurt you. I swear that I tried but…
Damaged you said, damaged I am. 
I denied it that day, but I was lying again
Broken I know, broken you see. 
There is no putting together these pieces of me. 

©C. O’Connor, 2018

Flipped

One side of this white lined page

contains,

each dream,

every hope,

and all of my fears.

Surrounded by the happiest tears,

and how crazy they all seem

now that everything I had wanted has come to be.

On the other side,

still with the white lines,

are ink blots and rage

of my demons forcefully shoved back into their cage.

No more adventures

no more dream.

I’m all that is left.

Back to just me.

That other page now

it only brings pain.

It’s funny how quickly things can change.

©C. O’Connor, 2018

 

 

Past Feels

No feelings. No thoughts. No words. No nothing but space and time and history, I guess. There is a lot of history here. So much so that it breaks me. Just the thought of it. Of it all. That simple thought can stop me in my tracks, and start me running back. Back to everything I was. Everything I originally ran from. History. Oh History. It can kill. It can ruin someone. It can ruin me. So we stand. No feelings. No thoughts. No words. Just nothing. Space and history. So much of each. They can make us or ruin us. Which will it be? Yes or no? Made or ruined? Home or running?

©C. O’Connor, 2016

#7 – It’s Complicated

I wasn’t flying I was falling

but suspended in air

I was hurt I was crying

I needed you there

you were gone

you were missing

you ran away

and now I’m left and I’m lonely

it’s just another day

A day in my life

come on and walk in my shoes

A day in my hell

singing the blues

a lost kid a found soul

reckless to a fault

Get to know who I am

just leave me to fall

Not fly

suspended in air.

© O’Connor, 2016