Tag: life

Fairytales

On By rantandrave3In poetryLeave a comment

I lived my life with half broken stories and I have told half hearted lies.

I’ve limped along on battered limbs too afraid to fall behind.

And my mind has kept itself lodged away held behind the bars rotted and decayed.

My heart is a prisoner in a mirrored room.

Its locked behind the glass in it’s beautiful tomb.

But maybe you my starry knight riding to me bathed in moonlight,

You whispered through the keyhole to unlock the doors and thaw my soul.

But then you stopped… right there in the entryway.

You’ve gone no further but havent turned away.

You battle dragons and demons to hold your space, but you’ll go no further inside this place.

The confidence you started with has turned to uncertainty.

My knight that rides in moonlight isnt sure if he still wants to save me.

Creating habits

On By rantandrave3In poetryLeave a comment

I’m standing on this road again.

I’ve been here before.

I’ve walked the pockmarked pavement.

I’ve crawled along the burning cement.

The scars all remain of the past attempts down the lonely road.

No one walks with me here.

Alone again with no turns.

Straight and

Narrow.

The gradual incline burns my lungs as

Step

by

Step

We struggle.

Along with all of the different versions of me.

We continue on again.

We start ahead this time.

We skipped a few miles already traversed.

We begin again on the road

Towards something.

Something we’ve wanted.

Something we’ve needed.

This is not the easy road.

You hate thank yous

On By rantandrave3In poetryLeave a comment

This is not yours

This small victory is mine

But thank you to the universe

For sending you to my side

Inspiration comes in all different ways

You’ve been a refreshing wind each and every day

A guide with a calm touch

A reminder of a dream

An alarm I didnt set

This is not yours

Not this victory

But thank you for reminding me

Of me

Memory

On By rantandrave3In poetry, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Going down

landing

in the waste land

of what was beautiful.

A magic land

where dreams enter reality.

A destruction zone

of lingering hopes

and broken promises.

Landing in the

remains of us.

We were magic,

now just darkness

and memories.

Unlived plans

turned into possible regrets.

This is my home,

where I stay.

My eternal labyrinth

of us.

The Space Between

On By rantandrave3In Rants, Uncategorized, writingLeave a comment

You were always the ocean. Strong and sure. Consistent as the tides. And in the dark depths of you there were wonders to be discovered, but there were horrors as well.  There were vast empty spaces of nothing. No light, no life, just space. Over the years others had ruined some of you. They left their garbage to kill off your dreams and your hopes. But still even then you were magnificent.

Then there is me. I’m the forest where the birds sing in the trees. I’m filled with life and constantly moving,  growing, and changing. I give to the world over and over again. Walk my paths and feel the ancient peace within me. See my mountains, my history, and my scars. See the places people have taken from me. Places never allowed to regrow.

And where we met was the thing of magic. The sand of my shores cooled to your touch, and there we were a thing of fairy tales. In the space between us, where we were one, was romanticized perfection. We were immaculate as the sun shone bright above and the moon played its glorious show over your waters.

Eventually though I realized you were taking from me. Little by little and wave by wave you would take a piece of me and bring it out into the depths of you. Little by little you eroded me away. You stole my being, my life, and my time.

So slowly was the realization that we were never an us. There was always you and then there was me, and even the beautiful memories we shared on the beaches between us could never mask that you wanted me to fill your empty spaces. You wanted me to make you whole. You wanted me, my beauty, my wisdom, and my strength to soothe your fears. Until you didn’t want me anymore, and you never really did. The excitement wore off. The joy of finding a being as immaculate as yourself, as powerful as yourself, and as wise wasn’t enough anymore.

Your waves receded. My trees grew tall. And the space between grows wider.

From the Inside

On By rantandrave3In poetry, UncategorizedLeave a comment

For days each morning starts 

with wiping away the salty river bed

across my face

Dried tears I’d never allow to escape

during the day

make their break during the night

I don’t remember them leaving

I don’t remember letting them go

But their path is there each day

Telling me more than any conversation

ever can. 

 

 

Damaged

On By rantandrave3In Uncategorized, writingLeave a comment
Oh no, oh no you can’t save me now. 
I’ve gone too far. My soul is drowned. 
Oh no, oh no just walk away. 
Leave me here to my doomed fate.
Oh no, oh no please let me go. 
My being is stripped down more than you know. 
Damaged you said, damaged I am. 
I denied it that day, but I was lying again
Broken I know, broken you see. 
There is no putting together these pieces of me.
Oh no, oh no I can’t see where I was. 
Where did I start to get this lost?
Oh no, oh no don’t look into my eyes. 
There is nothing left there, I rid myself of all life. 
Oh no, oh no there is no turning back. 
You need to accept that this is my new path.
Damaged you said, damaged I am. 
I denied it that day, but I was lying again
Broken I know, broken you see. 
There is no putting together these pieces of me. 
Oh no, oh no save yourself now. 
Get away from me before I drag you down. 
Oh no, oh no isn’t it plain to see, 
all I’ve done here is make you hate me?
Oh no, oh no it’s all I can do. 
I’m stepping away to try to save you.
Maybe I’ll see you again someday, 
this broken mind’s reeling to find a way. 
And maybe I won’t, then this is goodbye. 
I’m sorry I hurt you. I swear that I tried but…
Damaged you said, damaged I am. 
I denied it that day, but I was lying again
Broken I know, broken you see. 
There is no putting together these pieces of me. 

©C. O’Connor, 2018

An Anxious Mind

On By rantandrave3In Rants, Uncategorized, writingLeave a comment

I have been walking this line for quite some time. Walking like some kind of sick acrobat with a death wish I walk one foot in front of the other with the edges of my feet hanging over the sides.

I am good at walking the ledge.

I can move at a steady pace with no fear for years. I don’t look at the drop off. I don’t see the distance down to the assured body mangling splat at the bottom. I just walk with one foot in front of the other. My life moves on at this pace and my life is good.

Every once in a while I throw in a dance or a flip because I’m feeling courageous and want to flirt with the danger over that edge. Then I walk on and on.

Then every once in a while I glance down out of habit. Even if it lasts only for a second, in that second my mind remembers the danger here. My brain clicks on to the peril I am in and in another instant the walking stops.

Everything halts and I am stuck in place with my eyes trained on the bottom. My body rocks and my head spins, my legs shake, and my blood boils in its veins. My face heats up and my eyes are unable to focus on anything else.

Part of me knows I was walking fine a second before. I know I’ve been moving fine. I know I will again, but in this moment I can’t think of that. All I can think of is the fear of falling. All there is now is the drop.

There was no momentous occasion. There was no near fall to get me to the point of clinging onto the edge with both hands white knuckled. No one pushed me. No one scared me.

All it was was the slightest practically insignificant change in perspective, and my mind was gone. Lost to the fall. Walking is now not an option. I’m just holding on to survive. I can’t think. I can’t.

My pride forces me to look up to the edge. I look down the straight line of this walkway that ends when I do fall. I was walking a minute ago. I remember that now. I was walking fine. So with a deep shaking breath I push up onto my arms that feel like they might give out. I press my weight back into my rocking feet and raise my body from the floor slowly.

Don’t look down.

Don’t look down.

Look at the step in front of you. One step. One small step at a time. One unsteady foot moves in front of the other. At a glacial pace I move forward not trusting my own body or mind. I am hyper aware of the drop. I am focusing on falling almost as much as moving, but I pretend the fear isn’t there.

A few steps and my mind remembers the rhythm. I remember how to walk. I remember how to go on. One step. One step.

I move gradually regaining my confidence. The ledge is all I have and I will walk it each and every day. Some days I will dance. Some days I will lie down with shaking hands and racing heart and grasp it with an uncontainable fear of falling off.

There is no grand cause or scheme to change this. There only needs to be the smallest glance. A minute change in perspective and everything comes tumbling down.

Don’t ask me what happened. Do not ask me what went wrong. Nothing did and everything apparently did all at the same time. Things I am not conscious of happened within this mind of mine to send me clinging to the edge. I am always aware of the fall. I feel it in each and every step I step.

The fall is the out of focus section of the picture. Just a glance though in the wrong direction can make the fall the main attraction.

I will get up again. Moments of fear only make me stronger. They make me walk tall. I walk with pride knowing what I can survive within this war against my own mind.

Step by step.

One step.

One step.

©C. O’Connor, 2018

Not My Day

On By rantandrave3In Rants, Uncategorized, writing1 Comment

Today I’m having a panic attack.

What a fucking horrible sentence that is. It is one I never wanted to say or write again, and yet there she is! Right there. I don’t know why.

I was doing so well for so long. It had been a little over one year. One year since my mind and body threw me through another one of these shit storms. Stupidly, part of me had hoped I was cured. I enjoyed talking about anxiety as a thing of the past. I partially believed that it was gone.

The other half of my brain knew very well that I would be right here once again, and it laughed at the first half of my mind for its idiocy.

That I guess is the part that annoys me about all of this (other than the general fact that I’m having a panic attack of course). I knew it would come back. I knew in the right circumstances I would be right here again, but I had so hoped that I wouldn’t be. I hoped for it so much that I convinced myself, at least partially, that it was true.

Never again would I feel the heat in my face and the shaking of my hands. Never would I feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins without a proper cause for it being there. Never again would I fear passing out before realizing that it was only another attack. Only…

I tried reading poetry. I definitely cried. I cried full tears loudly as I walked around my empty house. There was snot. It wasn’t pretty, but crying isn’t supposed to be. I tried to eat but my appetite is gone. I tried to unpack my clothes that are still in their boxes. A simple meaningless task such as folding however was just TOO MUCH for this mind of mine. Folding sent me right over the edge again. I was back in the panic pool shivering while burning up, and shaking, and ugly crying all over again.

This is all ridiculous. I have a stressful job, but it isn’t anything I can’t manage. I’m good at my job. I enjoy my job, yet today my job was too much. Today my mind decided that life was just a bit too much and a new house, and taxes due, and money being money and never being enough, and my job, and my life, and my fears all just became too much and now I’m crying again. Fuck.

I don’t know what to do from here. I can’t keep running away from everything that gives me a panic attack. Living in Spain gave me panic attacks. A random day at work gives me a panic attack. Doing nothing gives me attacks and doing too much gives me attacks.

But it’s been a year.

I thought I was okay.

But today I had a panic attack.

And I will probably have another.

But I am living and I will be okay, and eventually I will once again get to a place where I stupidly convince myself that they are gone. I will live in that beautiful bliss, fully aware that it is smoke and mirrors. I will be happy there. I just need to make it through a bit of dark reality first.

Today is not my day.

©C. O’Connor, 2018

Star Gazing

On By rantandrave3In Rants, Uncategorized, writing1 Comment

I have spent hours upon hours of my life gazing at the stars. I have always been so enraptured by the peaceful feeling that permeates through my mind and soul while staring into that endless space of sparkles. It makes me feel so small and so insignificant, but in the best way possible. It reminds me that life itself is a miracle. We are all, all of us humans, small bits of magic. The problems that I believe are problems do not exist. The possibilities of this universe are infinite. Each and every moment is a gift of chance. The choices that speed up my heart and keep me awake into the hours of the morning are not worth the worry.

The stars remind me that it will be okay. The world will continue, and life, this life we live deserves to be enjoyed. Life needs to be appreciated and loved. Life deserves adventures and laughter. I deserve all of these things.

Worry, stress, and rage have no place under my night sky, the color of my soul, black, sparkly, and infinite. If you are in the right place away from the rest of the world. If you take the time to step away from the rest of us humans and our lights every color is there just waiting to be seen.

When I stand there in the darkness and look up at the flickering lights older than life itself; I feel endless, infinite, and invincible. And you, you beautiful bit of magic, are one of the only human beings I have ever known who makes me feel the same.

©C. O’Connor, 2018