Trickster

The air, it whips past my stone demeanor chilling my bones. What looked like a quaint street only minutes before has morphed into a dark and dismal place. The clouds over head seem to be rolling, marching, hunting after me. I can hear the whispers behind me. I can hear the footsteps coming ever closer like feathers on pavement. Maybe if I pretend they aren’t there they won’t be.

I pick up my pace.

I told them not to bother with me. I told them not to follow, but their kind rarely listens to advice. They are too confident in themselves. They think that they are the master hunters of the world.

My worn down leather boots are held together by duct tape and gorilla glue. I pray they don’t fail me now. My arms beat against the air as they swing, and my mind it races. My mind seems to be my worst enemy. It shows me all of the ways I could die. All of the worst ways I could be ripped apart.

It shows in great detail my skin being ripped from my limbs. In my mind the process is slow and drawn out. One small strip of skin at a time. One stream of blood at a time pouring from my body. Rushing to meet the ground. My own blood rushing to be away from me.

The footsteps behind pick up pace along with mine, and the wind it blows my hair across my face. I haul it behind my pierced ear as I glance behind me.

Bad choice.

They are closer now. They see me look and I see one smile a wicked smile. He knows I am trying to get away. His long fingers pull into a fist as I look away and quickly cross the street.

The neighborhood looks like a place that should have people out and about, but of course there is no one. Why would there be? The rolling clouds are above me now and a boom of thunder sounds in the distance, shaking my duct taped boots, sending vibrations up my spine.

I hear before I feel the rain. It starts behind me where they are, and I have a silent moment of pleasure knowing they are wet when I am still dry. The moment is quickly over when I feel the freezing drops on my arms. I can see the steam roll off of my blazing skin.

Movement catches my eye, and I see a broken swing swaying haphazardly on a tree. Its flies free in the wind holding onto the tree’s bough with one rope. Where the other is I have no idea.

I jump over a fallen branch on the leaf covered sidewalk. Ahead is a corner. The road I’m on ends. I can either go right or left. Right or left. I hate choices. I don’t know where either choice leads. They look the same.

I go left.

Wrong.

I’m surrounded.

I stop as the footsteps behind me turn the corner. I can practically smell the smiles on their faces. I can see their hungry eyes watching, wanting, waiting. Their white hunter’s eyes. No color no feelings only hunger.

There are at least ten around me. They planned it. I wasn’t running away. I was being herded.

Maybe I underestimated their hunting skills. The stories all say they are the best.

I see him, his stretched fingers tapping on his long slender leg. He was the one I told. I told him not to follow me. Behind me I hear snickers.

Above me is an old tree. It’s huge so I guess it has been there for ages. It still has its leaves all golden brown. They herded me here. Their bodies practically match the strong branches of the tree.

Movement catches my eye and in the window of a house I see a child. He is small with brown hair that flops into his eyes. He is looking at the storm clouds, watching for lightening. After a second his dark brown eyes catch onto mine. He smiles and waves.

Pain laces down my arm as a nail scratches. I see the small river of blood that follows and I jerk away only to be scratched by another. It feels like being caught in a bed of razors. Where ever you turn there are more.

I hear the boy scream. He can’t see anything. Only a woman thrashing and bleeding.

The wind picks up again making my own blood smear across my skin mixing with the rain drops. Leaves fall from the tree. I reach my hand up and one lands on my fingertip. It stays there. Perfect and unmoving.

The things don’t notice at first, they are busy feeding off of my life and dreams that are falling from my skin. I pull my hand down and look their leader in the eye.

He knows.

I told them not to follow me. Now it’s my turn to smile.

I blow on the leaf like one blows a candle on a birthday cake. His eyes widen, and I hear his shriek before he tries to run.

One step. That is how far he gets before he bursts, transforming into a pile of leaves. The others barely notice. They are young and naïve. They don’t notice when their limbs begin to change, to disappear.

It takes a second for them to morph, before they are gone. Dead. Dead as a pile of leaves.

I look to the little boy who is still sitting in the window. There is fog around his face from heavy breathing, and his hands are plastered to the glass. Those brown eyes look like disks. Those soft brown eyes will forever be changed.

Once one sees majick they can never go back. He saw the spindly tree looking men drinking my blood. They were drinking my dreams, my hopes, my happiness. He saw their long talon like nails. He saw their white lifeless eyes, and razor teeth of a wolf. He saw the burst of light as each of them transformed into leaves.

He saw my wounds heal on their own. He saw my blood move back into my skin.

He can see me. My black eyes with fire in them. The horns on my head. The red markings on my skin. He can see the monster I am. I see the fear in his eyes before I turn and walk away.

There is always something higher up on the food chain waiting to strike. They may be the best hunters of the day. But I am the best trickster of the night.

I told them not to follow me.

@C. O’Connor, 2018

 

I was a kick ass kid.

I don’t like serious things. I’m a sarcastic person at heart. Sarcasm covers up real emotions that I avoid like the plague. The avoidance stems from that same fear of getting close to people. So I add in sarcasm and then it seems like I’m a real person and not a complete sociopathic asshole. It’s either that or the person is one of my best friends, in which case they already know all of this shit from figuring it out on their own.

I wasn’t always afraid of standing out though. Hell when I was a kid I was in the dolphin show at Sea World. The grown up version of me hates this, because I feel so bad for those animals. I’ve seen Blackfish. But a part of me is still so proud of myself, because I wasn’t just in the show.

I asked to be in the show.

My family was vacationing in California, visiting my uncle on the L.A.P.D. We saw the whale show where they had people up on the stage (I hate myself for having enjoyed that show so much). So when we moved on to the dolphin show I told my mom I wanted to be on the stage. She told me to ask.

Well little me accepted that challenge and walked my little chubby legs towards the first person I saw with a uniform on. I placed the best and cutest little girl smile on my face and asked to be in the show. She asked her manager, and BAM! I was in the show.

I stood up on the stage and fed Dolly the dolphin, but just being ballsy wasn’t the only difference from the young version of me to the current one. I trusted people too. People I didn’t even know. The trainer that had that giant microphone strapped onto her face looking like a nineties Madonna meets Steve Irwin (may he rest in peace) told me at one point to jump into the water. According to her Dolly the dolphin would catch me.

I guess the other children they brought up there were too scared to jump, but Madonna/Steve hadn’t met me yet! She counted down from three into that microphone, her voice echoing over the giant pool to the people in the stands, and when she got to one I launched myself in the galoshes that were made for an adult, off of the stage. There is a picture somewhere of the trainer catching my small body midair. My mother almost had a heart attack from where she was standing on the stage. I didn’t care, Dolly was going to catch me and after that I was famous for a day!

I was fearless.

So where did that change? Where did that freedom that I once had change into panic attacks, too much booze, and a fear of getting too close to people? When the hell did the little girl who jumped into the dolphin tank become average?

I think she would be upset with me. If I could talk to the four year old version of me I’m not sure whether or not she’d like me.

That’s an even sadder realization. When you don’t even like you.

@C. O’Connor, 2018

To my family…

I’ll take your poison

I’ll take your pain

I’ll suck it right on out of your veins

You won’t bleed

You’ll feel nothing.

I’ll take it all. I’ll wear your shame.

Wear it like a coat

hold my shoulders tight

I’ll make it fit. I’ll make it all right. 

Don’t you worry now

get some sleep tonight

I’ll keep watch until the morning light.

The dreams won’t get you

I’ll fight the worries away

I’ll keep my eyes open keeping your demons at bay. 

And when the morning comes

you can thank me then. 

This is the best I can do, and I will until the end. 

Chalk

Solidarity,

to be alone completely

totally in fulfillment

exactly as much as i want it to be

because nothing happens that I don’t want to happen

complete control is lost completely

NOTHING saves us

there is no hope

only demons hiding over your bed on your chalk board

they’re always watching aren’t they

it’s annoying really

can’t breathe

can’t think

just losing my mind and

running out of

space

©O’Connor, 20161021_2058112016

A Continuation of the Previous Post.

I had to get up. I had to stop writing, which halted the flow, and now my fingers are placing letters in the wrong places. I was rolling.  My hands were doing the thinking and the line between mind and keyboard was so direct. Now I’m forcing myself to get that back. I went to the bathroom and while sitting there in that little space my mind had the audacity to think about whether this writing that I am writing here and now could ever make me money. I was thinking about happiness and how it’s been my main want and desire for a majority of my mature life. How much goes into happiness? Can I be happy living with my parents, because I have no money and no job and am trying to be a writer, while all at the same time hating my life that I’m living?

I doubt it.

It is possible, but not very likely. Those two phrases were redundant. Fuck redundancy! I will say the same thing in many ways and forms and you will read it! Or not in which case I don’t care really.

Back to the point. Happiness. Money. I don’t know what will make me happy. Sure I’ve been happy before. Sometimes for almost long periods of time and sometimes for just a single moment. The point is it has happened. But I want to live a life when I don’t have days where I stare out the balcony window and lose my breath and feel the tightness in my chest because I’m longing for something more. So my mind wanders to money while sitting on the toilet.

But who would read this? Who would publish it? Who would willingly PAY to sit and read a story about a woman who is sometimes unhappy and wanting to change that by doing… something. I’m not sure if I would read that.

I don’t even know what THIS is. Am I writing a book? Is this just another rant that will sit in the memory of my laptop for years with its only reader being myself? It’s probably the second one.

I want to write something that moves people. Something that captures their attention and forces the English majors to break out their pens or high lighters to write captions in the margins and underline the sentences, paragraphs, or entire pages that stand out to them for some reason or another. I just want to write. I just want to be happy. I just want to do something other than go back to my room and watch another horrible movie on Netflix. I want to keep writing, but I don’t know about what. I want living to be something more than waiting for time to pass until the next exciting event on my calendar. I want each day to be like that.

But how?

How?

Please Read This and Tell Me I’m Not Crazy?

Where to start? The first line. The first line. All of my professors used to bug me about the importance of the first line. It must be attention grabbing. It must be profound. It must be different from every other first line of any book ever written. It must be… the first line.

My mind is going a thousand miles a minute. (Which is a horribly unoriginal first line, but at this point it isn’t the first line anymore.) Maybe not that fast. Maybe just about 60 miles per hour, but still that’s faster than I can go without a car, so it’s pretty fast. I was sitting in my bed. I was sitting and doing nothing, and I was hating myself for doing nothing. It’s such a catch 22 you know, those days when you get a chance to sit around and stay in bed only to leave for food or to take a piss, and you hate yourself for it. Because you’re not experiencing life. You’re not learning new lessons, meeting new people, adding pictures of artistically placed flowers to your Instagram profile. You’re not doing anything.

You’re alone.

I like being alone sometimes. I like being alone when my mind allows it.

There are those days when being alone is a blessing. Your mind sits back in the hammock I know that it is hiding up there, and it takes a break and welcomes whatever Netflix binge you chose to watch and not really pay attention to or care about.

Then there’s today. The day when every stupid movie I choose to watch seems to somehow relate to my life and what I’m doing, or more what I’m not currently doing, and what I probably should be doing. Then all of these thoughts start piling in. All of these different profound things that I know I need to write down, but my mind is going 60 miles per hour and my hands are not and I can’t keep up, so I start writing about something completely different and I’m lost.

I’ve always wanted to do something. I’ve wanted to be something. To go somewhere. From the first doodles I ever doodled I asked, I begged, for freedom. But from what?! I grew up in a nice neighborhood. I was raised by nice parents. I had good friends and went to a good school and had a good life.

But nice and good are such shitty words.

I’m sitting here in my apartment that I don’t have enough money to pay for, and all I want is to experience something. Just typing that line makes my mind race with contradictions.

I want to feel my blood pump full of adrenaline.

But on the other side most things that cause that sensation are dangerous. Do we really want to put ourselves into danger? How about controlled danger?

Well control is no fun. Control is what we are fighting against.

But we don’t want to be hurt or get into trouble.

We want to live. I want to live, but I’m afraid of living.

I am living currently. I am breathing, and performing all of the other normal bodily functions. Yet I feel as if time is passing me by and I’m stagnant. I look out of the double doors that lead to the balcony of this perfectly mediocre apartment I’ve been living in for two years, and I stop breathing. I feel a tightness in my chest that I cannot release until I look away. Until my fingers start moving on the keys again and I feel the tightness loosen. I feel the want for something better give way to what is. My perfectly mediocre life.

A part of me knows that I can go out and do something. I can get all dressed up and do my hair and makeup and sit at a bar where some men will talk to me. But where does that take me? It could lead to meaningless sex with someone I don’t know, which will end with me feeling worse than I already do at this present moment. No, that will help nothing.

I can call friends, but that requires money. Doing anything other than leaving my apartment requires money. Even staying here is costing me. I have the lights on. Up and up the electric bill goes. I am trying to save the money. I’m not very good at saving it though, but I try.

I could ask a friend to come over. I could ask a friend to join me in my apartment and we can sit and drink and maybe even smoke and then they will leave and I will be left alone yet again wondering the exact same things that I was before I asked them to come over in the first place.

If I go out I will feel worse, because I will see the other people. I will see them with their friends or significant others and they will look happy. Not all of them, but some. I will be jealous of them. I will come back to my apartment and feel worse or possibly the same.

I looked out the balcony door again … I keep doing that.

I want to make coffee, but I don’t want to stop writing. I want to do many things, but I don’t want to stop writing. I’ve wanted to write for weeks, but couldn’t think of anything worth sitting here in this uncomfortable chair in solitude to write about. Now I’ve found inspiration inside of my own mind. The emptiness inside of my mind has become the words on the page. My only goal in this endeavor is to rid myself of the emptiness. To rid myself of the longing for life, while I am already fully living, at least physically speaking.

A Poet

A neurotic

A sickly child

impressed by the natural world

A drop out

with great acclaim

An alcohol abuser

a contradictory image

met the dancer

the mistress

a passionate and turbulent love

all for show

a reject due to illness

a notorious poet

an archetypal Romantic

a flamboyant theatric

a heavy drinker

he collapsed

he died

a legendary figure

©C. O’Connor, 2016

“Dylan Thomas.” Academy of American Poets. N.p., n.d. Web.

Ironic

It is truly sad to think, that so many times the people who offer the most supportive and positive words, are the ones that battle with the darkest and deepest fears and inner demons. However, it is only because of their own struggle that they know what words to say. It is because of their own internal war that they know how to react to hearing the battle stories of others. It is both a curse and a blessing if you choose to see it that way. The choice is yours, but I choose positivity. I choose to use my own darkness to help others get through theirs. So that someday, hopefully, we can say we know what true happiness feels like. Together.

Past Feels

No feelings. No thoughts. No words. No nothing but space and time and history, I guess. There is a lot of history here. So much so that it breaks me. Just the thought of it. Of it all. That simple thought can stop me in my tracks, and start me running back. Back to everything I was. Everything I originally ran from. History. Oh History. It can kill. It can ruin someone. It can ruin me. So we stand. No feelings. No thoughts. No words. Just nothing. Space and history. So much of each. They can make us or ruin us. Which will it be? Yes or no? Made or ruined? Home or running?

©C. O’Connor, 2016